monogodo

I went in to the inspection station at 9am. I failed the inspection, which was a month overdue, because both the high and low beams on the drivers side were cracked. I figured I would just swing by Pep Boys on my way home, pick up a couple of bulbs for about $20-30, slap ‘em in, and head back for the re-inspection.

I forgot I was driving a BMW.

So I headed to Pep Boys, looked up my year, make, and model; selected the recommended bulbs, paid the cashier and headed home. After changing clothes, I went out to the car to do the switch. I pulled off half of the grill and a panel inside the engine bay, and discovered that the Pep Boys must have their heads up each other’s asses. My BMW used halogen bulbs inside of an assembly. The bulbs I bought wouldn’t work.

I called the local BMW dealer to find out what the deal was. The receptionist took a message. (To this day, they still haven’t called me back. It’s been over 4½ years now.) I then called the other BMW dealer in the area, John Roberts. The service guy confirmed that, yes, I needed to replace the whole assembly. They transferred me to the parts department where I was informed that the high beam assembly would run about $70, and the low beam would run about $140.

For some chunks of plastic and glass.

Plus tax.

Installation not included.

I thanked them and started calling junk yards. As soon as I uttered the phrase "BMW" they interrupted with, "we doan godit." One parts place had the units for 1985 and earlier, or 1991 and newer, but not my 1988. Finally, in desperation, I drove out to John Roberts and bought the assemblies. Paid about $240.

So, you probably think the story is over, right? You’re forgetting that I drive a BMW.

I got back home and went to work. I again striped off the panel in the engine bay and half the grill. (I had put it all back on when I went to Pep Boys to return the bulbs.) Then I unbolted the bracket that holds the assemblies to the car. I figured I might as well go inside where it’s cool and switch them. I looked the assemblies over and noticed that each one was attached to the bracket with 3 bolts. The bolts were embedded in a plastic doohickey that kept the bolt from pulling through the assembly. About mid-way down the bolt was a thingamabob that anchored the bolt to the bracket. Finally, there was another plastic doodad that allowed the "mechanic" to grip the bolt and turn it for aiming purposes. I couldn’t figure out how to get the thingamabob to turn 90 degrees and slip through the slot in the frame. After about 30 minutes of staring at it, I figured I needed a pair of pliers.

Guess what, none were to be found in the house. So I went out to the car, made sure nothing was going to fall out of the gaping hole in the grill, and drove up to the local convenience store and bought a pair of pliers. I made it back without one of Richardson’s Finest stopping me for having no headlights on half of my car. (They're that picky.) I then struggled with one thingamabob for 30 minutes. Moments before I was going to give up, it finally budged. The other 5 thingamabobs must have been frightened by my actions, because they came loose easily.

Now I had another problem. How do I get the doohickey out of the assembly? The bracket was made of 12 year old plastic. Plastic gets brittle after a while. I didn’t want to break it. I stared at the thing for 45 minutes, using all of the engineering education my father paid for, and couldn’t figure out a way to remove them without destroying them. So, I went back to the phone and called John Roberts BMW. I figured they had a special tool, or could sell me new bolts.

The guys in the parts department were kind enough to tell me that the things should just pop right out. I told the guy, I think his name was Hans, or Rolf, that I’d been working on them for an hour and they wouldn’t budge. I then asked if they had those bolts in stock, and if so, how much were they? Berthold went to check. I figured they would be about $2, maybe $3 bucks apiece.

I forgot that I was dealing with a BMW dealer.

While I was waiting, I realized that the doohickeys weren’t the only things made of plastic: the assemblies, which I was going to throw out anyway, were too. I decided to see if I could break the flange that the bolt was anchored in with the pliers that I bought at FINA for $4. I could, and did. SUCCESS! The bolt fell right out. At that moment, Gunther came back on the line and told me that he only had 5 of them, and they were $10 each. (BMW, remember.) I laughed and told him that I found a much more gratifying way to remove them. I then proceeded to snap off all the useless plastic and popped the bolts into the new assemblies. By the time I had the car back together, it was 6:30pm.

The next day I went in and passed the inspection.