The Bitch From Hell
Quite a few years ago, I met a woman at the bar where I used to hang out. I'd never seen her there before, but she seemed to be known by the others at the bar. For sake of simplicity, I'll call her, oh, I don't know, Debbie. She came over to where I was sitting and struck up a conversation. We ended up hitting it off, and ended up at my place, where we "got more intimate" so to speak. The next morning, she said that she was looking for something casual, that she wouldn't be calling or paging every day, or showing up at my work without warning. I thought, "Great! That's just what I'm looking for." Little did I know that I'd taken her bait...
The next day at work, she showed up. She claimed that she was at her father's house, about 2 miles away, and thought she'd stop by to see if I'd eaten yet. We went to lunch. The next night, she showed up at about the same time, again without warning. Then the paging started.
She'd page me, and I was usually quite busy, and therefore unable to respond right away. Usually by the time I was able to call her back, it was a couple of hours later, and I'd forgotten that she'd paged. Then, when I did call her back, she'd attack me with, "Why didn't you call me sooner?" I'd explain that I was busy with work, and couldn't drop everything to call her, and that when I'd become unbusy, I had forgotten that she'd paged. As you can well imagine, she didn't like this.
Well, I could deal with all of that, and things were going ok. Then I made the mistake of mentioning that I wanted to buy a computer. She started saying that, "What you need is a 75mhz, with a 14" monitor, 16 megs of RAM, and a 500 meg hard drive." (Keep in mind this was 1997.) She was describing her system, that she wanted to get rid of so she could upgrade. I responded with, "Sure, I could get by with that, but that's not what I want." I proceeded to order a much nicer computer (for the time).
Well, that June, for my roommate Julie's birthday, we had a party. Our parties tend to be kind of pot luck. Because I was the host, I was circulating around and never in one place for very long. Julie's brother showed up, and he had a king-sized waterbed with him. (He knew that I didn't have a bed.) It turns out that a friend of his was selling it for $50, and Philip wanted to know if I wanted it. I of course said yes. As we were bringing it in to the garage, Debbie said that she thought I didn't like waterbeds. I told her that I loved them, but that I wasn't able to afford to buy a new one. She replied that she didn't like sleeping in them. I thought to myself, "Fine, you don't have to sleep in it. Just stay long enough for me to be satisfied, and then go home." Of course, I didn't say that out loud, although now I wish I had. I later found out that when it was time to eat and I was in another room, everyone fixed up their plates, she looked around the room and noticed that hers was the only dish that everyone had some of. She then said, "I win!" as if it were a contest of some sort. Later that night, a group was on the back patio reading poetry they had written. While a guy was reading a poem, she went out to her car, got a poem of her own, then came back and began reading it, interrupting him in the process. The other people stopped her and told her that the other guy was reading his, and that when he finished, they'd be more than happy to hear her poem. She went inside and waited for him to finish, then came out and read her poem. Again, I wasn't there to witness this, but quite a few of my friends did.
Prior to most of this, she mentioned that she had to get her portfolio together. I said that I worked at Kinko's and that I could help her with it. She came up to my branch one night, and I made color copies of her portfolio, and gave her a very good price for them. (Looking back at the situation, and after discussing this with friends, I figured out that that was the whole purpose behind approaching me in the first place. I found out after we had broken up that she somehow discovered that I worked at Kinko's before she met me.)
As our "relationship" progressed, she became more and more annoying to me. I kept wanting to break up with her, but she'd always begin sexual advances toward me just before I was going to say something. It's not cool to break up with someone immediately after having sex with them. ("That was great, but there's something we need to talk about. How about you let go of my scrotum first?") Then one day we decided to go to a Sidekicks soccer game. (I had a season ticket.)
We agreed to meet at the bar that we frequented, and to ride the train down to Reunion Arena. Because the Sidekicks Booster Club had offered discounted tickets, a group of my friends was also going, and would be meeting us at the game. My roommate and the other people who sat in the same section as I were also going to meet us there. As Debbie and I rode the train, she began to drone on about her plans for a career after she got her degree from the Art Institute of Dallas. I was beginning to become annoyed by her, because she was dominating the conversation whenever we got together. And sometimes I just like to sit in silence. Well, I just stared out the window of the train and watched Dallas pass by. But I also listened to her.
When we arrived at the game, I gave her her ticket and said that I'd see her after the game at the post-game party. She asked why I wasn't going to sit with her. I told her that I'd paid a lot of money for my seat, and I wasn't about to sit in a section with a worse vantage point. She then asked if Julie's mom would mind switching seats with her so we could sit together. I said I'd ask her. Well, when I asked her, Ginny said no, she didn't want to sit elsewhere, either. What I didn't know was that a friend of mine, David, was sitting next to Debbie. They began talking. I noticed about halfway through the game where she was, and that David was next to her. I didn't think anything of it. I did notice that David and his friends left early, because, as usual, the Sidekicks were winning quite handily.
When the game was over, Debbie, Julie and I all went to the Stars Club for the post-game party. I got us each a drink, and we talked. As I was about half-way through my second beer, Debbie turned to me and said, "So David tells me that we broke up." I replied that we needed to talk. She said she thought we had talked. I told her that we needed to talk again. She said, "So talk."
I then told her that I was becoming more and more annoyed by her lately. She said that she noticed on the train ride down that I'd ignored her while she was talking about her future. I replied that I had heard everything she had said. She said, "You did not, you were ignoring me." I then repeated back, verbatim, everything she had said on the way down. (If you're ever in an argument with a woman, and she accuses you of not listening to her, the best way to piss her off even more is to repeat what she said, verbatim.) At that, she turned around and stormed out of the club, presumably to take the train home.
I watched her leave, then said to Julie, who had been sitting within 2 feet of us the whole time, but who had also been oblivious to what was going on in front of her, "Well, Debbie's gone." She said, "What?" I then told her that we'd broken up. Julie went running out to see if she could catch her. She couldn't. When she came back I told her what happened.
Since Julie had ridden to the game with her mom, and I had taken the train, we caught a ride back to the bar with another friend, Lisa. We decided to go in and play some NTN and get a bite to eat and a couple of beers. While we were playing a game, Debbie comes storming in, carrying a t-shirt of mine. She threw it at me, and proceeded to yell at me that she wanted all of her shirts that she'd left at my place back, and that I was an asshole. Julie looked at her and started to say that she was sorry for the situation, and Debbie turned on her and said, "Fuck off!"
It turns out that Debbie had left a denim shirt and a t-shirt at my house. She called me one afternoon before I went to work and told me to return them to her father's house that afternoon. I told her that I would if I wasn't running late for work, otherwise I'd return them some other day. She said, "No, you will return them today." I figured that I'd better do as she said, just to get her off my back. Well, I was running late, so when I got to her dad's, I just stepped out of my car and put the plastic bag that the shirts were in by the back of her father's Jaguar in the driveway. I figured that he'd see them when he got into his car. The next day, I got a call from her at work, and she asked why I didn't return the shirts. I told her that I did, that they were in a bag at the entrance to her father's house. She hung up and went to look. About 20 minutes later, she came storming into Kinko's, and started screaming at me about how her shirt is ruined and that I'm going to pay for it to be dry cleaned. I told her to either calm down, or leave, that she was disturbing the customers. She told me to come outside with her. Once we were outside, she started screaming at me again, and just wouldn't stop. She said that I'd get my last t-shirt back when I paid for her denim shirt to be cleaned. (Apparently where I'd placed it there was a drain spout, and when her father had watered his lawn, the shirt got wet. How was I supposed to know?)
She never did send me a bill for cleaning the shirt.
As my friends heard that we'd broken up, they began telling me stories of how badly she'd behaved around them when I wasn't around. I asked all of them why they didn't tell me about her actions when we were dating. They invariably replied that they didn't want to upset me. Except Julie. Julie always said that she couldn't stand the bitch.
I saw Debbie one last time, about 9 months later or so. It was Christmas day, and I had gone to a movie with a friend. We ended up at the bar, and Debbie walked in. She stayed about a half-hour, and when she went to leave, she asked me to walk her to the door. I figured, what the hell, why not? At the door, she said that she felt that everything was ok between us, and that we could remain friends. Then she told me that she was going to Austin for a job interview, and that, if she got it, she'd move down there. I wished her the best of luck, and meant it, because I wanted her as far from me as possible. I figured, if she thought everything was cool between us, why didn't she return my last t-shirt? My only hope is that every time she wears that shirt, she thinks of me.
The next day at work, she showed up. She claimed that she was at her father's house, about 2 miles away, and thought she'd stop by to see if I'd eaten yet. We went to lunch. The next night, she showed up at about the same time, again without warning. Then the paging started.
She'd page me, and I was usually quite busy, and therefore unable to respond right away. Usually by the time I was able to call her back, it was a couple of hours later, and I'd forgotten that she'd paged. Then, when I did call her back, she'd attack me with, "Why didn't you call me sooner?" I'd explain that I was busy with work, and couldn't drop everything to call her, and that when I'd become unbusy, I had forgotten that she'd paged. As you can well imagine, she didn't like this.
Well, I could deal with all of that, and things were going ok. Then I made the mistake of mentioning that I wanted to buy a computer. She started saying that, "What you need is a 75mhz, with a 14" monitor, 16 megs of RAM, and a 500 meg hard drive." (Keep in mind this was 1997.) She was describing her system, that she wanted to get rid of so she could upgrade. I responded with, "Sure, I could get by with that, but that's not what I want." I proceeded to order a much nicer computer (for the time).
Well, that June, for my roommate Julie's birthday, we had a party. Our parties tend to be kind of pot luck. Because I was the host, I was circulating around and never in one place for very long. Julie's brother showed up, and he had a king-sized waterbed with him. (He knew that I didn't have a bed.) It turns out that a friend of his was selling it for $50, and Philip wanted to know if I wanted it. I of course said yes. As we were bringing it in to the garage, Debbie said that she thought I didn't like waterbeds. I told her that I loved them, but that I wasn't able to afford to buy a new one. She replied that she didn't like sleeping in them. I thought to myself, "Fine, you don't have to sleep in it. Just stay long enough for me to be satisfied, and then go home." Of course, I didn't say that out loud, although now I wish I had. I later found out that when it was time to eat and I was in another room, everyone fixed up their plates, she looked around the room and noticed that hers was the only dish that everyone had some of. She then said, "I win!" as if it were a contest of some sort. Later that night, a group was on the back patio reading poetry they had written. While a guy was reading a poem, she went out to her car, got a poem of her own, then came back and began reading it, interrupting him in the process. The other people stopped her and told her that the other guy was reading his, and that when he finished, they'd be more than happy to hear her poem. She went inside and waited for him to finish, then came out and read her poem. Again, I wasn't there to witness this, but quite a few of my friends did.
Prior to most of this, she mentioned that she had to get her portfolio together. I said that I worked at Kinko's and that I could help her with it. She came up to my branch one night, and I made color copies of her portfolio, and gave her a very good price for them. (Looking back at the situation, and after discussing this with friends, I figured out that that was the whole purpose behind approaching me in the first place. I found out after we had broken up that she somehow discovered that I worked at Kinko's before she met me.)
As our "relationship" progressed, she became more and more annoying to me. I kept wanting to break up with her, but she'd always begin sexual advances toward me just before I was going to say something. It's not cool to break up with someone immediately after having sex with them. ("That was great, but there's something we need to talk about. How about you let go of my scrotum first?") Then one day we decided to go to a Sidekicks soccer game. (I had a season ticket.)
We agreed to meet at the bar that we frequented, and to ride the train down to Reunion Arena. Because the Sidekicks Booster Club had offered discounted tickets, a group of my friends was also going, and would be meeting us at the game. My roommate and the other people who sat in the same section as I were also going to meet us there. As Debbie and I rode the train, she began to drone on about her plans for a career after she got her degree from the Art Institute of Dallas. I was beginning to become annoyed by her, because she was dominating the conversation whenever we got together. And sometimes I just like to sit in silence. Well, I just stared out the window of the train and watched Dallas pass by. But I also listened to her.
When we arrived at the game, I gave her her ticket and said that I'd see her after the game at the post-game party. She asked why I wasn't going to sit with her. I told her that I'd paid a lot of money for my seat, and I wasn't about to sit in a section with a worse vantage point. She then asked if Julie's mom would mind switching seats with her so we could sit together. I said I'd ask her. Well, when I asked her, Ginny said no, she didn't want to sit elsewhere, either. What I didn't know was that a friend of mine, David, was sitting next to Debbie. They began talking. I noticed about halfway through the game where she was, and that David was next to her. I didn't think anything of it. I did notice that David and his friends left early, because, as usual, the Sidekicks were winning quite handily.
When the game was over, Debbie, Julie and I all went to the Stars Club for the post-game party. I got us each a drink, and we talked. As I was about half-way through my second beer, Debbie turned to me and said, "So David tells me that we broke up." I replied that we needed to talk. She said she thought we had talked. I told her that we needed to talk again. She said, "So talk."
I then told her that I was becoming more and more annoyed by her lately. She said that she noticed on the train ride down that I'd ignored her while she was talking about her future. I replied that I had heard everything she had said. She said, "You did not, you were ignoring me." I then repeated back, verbatim, everything she had said on the way down. (If you're ever in an argument with a woman, and she accuses you of not listening to her, the best way to piss her off even more is to repeat what she said, verbatim.) At that, she turned around and stormed out of the club, presumably to take the train home.
I watched her leave, then said to Julie, who had been sitting within 2 feet of us the whole time, but who had also been oblivious to what was going on in front of her, "Well, Debbie's gone." She said, "What?" I then told her that we'd broken up. Julie went running out to see if she could catch her. She couldn't. When she came back I told her what happened.
Since Julie had ridden to the game with her mom, and I had taken the train, we caught a ride back to the bar with another friend, Lisa. We decided to go in and play some NTN and get a bite to eat and a couple of beers. While we were playing a game, Debbie comes storming in, carrying a t-shirt of mine. She threw it at me, and proceeded to yell at me that she wanted all of her shirts that she'd left at my place back, and that I was an asshole. Julie looked at her and started to say that she was sorry for the situation, and Debbie turned on her and said, "Fuck off!"
It turns out that Debbie had left a denim shirt and a t-shirt at my house. She called me one afternoon before I went to work and told me to return them to her father's house that afternoon. I told her that I would if I wasn't running late for work, otherwise I'd return them some other day. She said, "No, you will return them today." I figured that I'd better do as she said, just to get her off my back. Well, I was running late, so when I got to her dad's, I just stepped out of my car and put the plastic bag that the shirts were in by the back of her father's Jaguar in the driveway. I figured that he'd see them when he got into his car. The next day, I got a call from her at work, and she asked why I didn't return the shirts. I told her that I did, that they were in a bag at the entrance to her father's house. She hung up and went to look. About 20 minutes later, she came storming into Kinko's, and started screaming at me about how her shirt is ruined and that I'm going to pay for it to be dry cleaned. I told her to either calm down, or leave, that she was disturbing the customers. She told me to come outside with her. Once we were outside, she started screaming at me again, and just wouldn't stop. She said that I'd get my last t-shirt back when I paid for her denim shirt to be cleaned. (Apparently where I'd placed it there was a drain spout, and when her father had watered his lawn, the shirt got wet. How was I supposed to know?)
She never did send me a bill for cleaning the shirt.
As my friends heard that we'd broken up, they began telling me stories of how badly she'd behaved around them when I wasn't around. I asked all of them why they didn't tell me about her actions when we were dating. They invariably replied that they didn't want to upset me. Except Julie. Julie always said that she couldn't stand the bitch.
I saw Debbie one last time, about 9 months later or so. It was Christmas day, and I had gone to a movie with a friend. We ended up at the bar, and Debbie walked in. She stayed about a half-hour, and when she went to leave, she asked me to walk her to the door. I figured, what the hell, why not? At the door, she said that she felt that everything was ok between us, and that we could remain friends. Then she told me that she was going to Austin for a job interview, and that, if she got it, she'd move down there. I wished her the best of luck, and meant it, because I wanted her as far from me as possible. I figured, if she thought everything was cool between us, why didn't she return my last t-shirt? My only hope is that every time she wears that shirt, she thinks of me.
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